Over-Parenting our Children
Well, that's not true. I did care what people thought and sometimes it really hurt. Over time, though, I've learned that it's just way too easy to criticize someone's parenting when you haven't walked in that parent's shoes or when you don't really know them. I even found myself doing the same thing -- judging some mom on a forum or some dad at the grocery store for doing something that I would never ever ever do. (Usually I found myself doing it a month later and feeling like an idiot for thinking the way I did earlier.) I also learned that even those who you think are on your side or in your camp will turn on you. My attachment parenting buddies shunned me upon learning that my son had been circumcised.
And it's not just me. Granju sees this polarization happening as well and she's written a beautiful column over at Babble. She talks about how we are over-parenting:
"When parents micromanage children's lives, overly investing themselves in their kids, everyone loses. Mothers and fathers lose themselves in their roles as parents, while kids never find themselves."
And she notes how critical we are of others -- with six in ten of us thinking other parents are only doing a "fair" or "poor" job of raising their kids. She sees many of us scrambling to buy the things that we hope will make us look like better parents in the eyes of others.
So, read this article, and if it speaks to you in any way, take it to heart. Some of us, myself included, need to relax a bit when it comes to parenting and certainly we ought to get rid of all the pressure we put on ourselves and others to be perfect parents.
Comments
Very well written. I completely agree.
your article and hers are both right on the money!!!
It was refreshing to read your introduction and the column. I whole-heartedly agree that sometimes we need to step back and take a bit more relaxed approach to parenting. But to say so in public invites looks of sheer shock. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you so much for the article which I found it very helpful to me. You helped me to see my self. I thing I am type of over-parenting so it is good to step back to give some space to the kids and to my self as well. Good job please keep it up.
I am encouraged on your insight into the self.When we can admit we all judge we are concious of it more and tend to stop ourselves. Thank you for reminding me to be compassionate. If I want acceptance I must learn to give it as well.
I totally agree that overparenting is hurting our kids and moms too. When kids are little we can control how much over parenting we do. But when kids enter elementary school watch out! So many parents are now teaching their kids how to read and do math at home that if you do not step in and become their teacher your child will be left behind. My blog, http://www.goodcityliving.com/blog-helicopter-mom/ is all about how I have needed to become my kids’ teacher just to keep up with what all the other parents are doing at home. It is insane!
This article is so timely. Also see www.overindulgence.info and the book HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH? by Jean Illsley CLarke for some wonderful insights and practical how-to-NOT make those mistakes. Enjoy!
I don’t think enough parents are invested in the right things-like they should be. In our society-it’s more the norm to focus on material posessions and comparisons-keeping up with others. We should be holding each other accountable and asking-what’s really going on here? Kids see at an early age the value we put on things and not people. Have you seen the headlines lately? Why are these kids so angry? Maybe, it’s too much pressure to compete & compare.?. and when does that start? Spend as much time with your kids as possble teaching compasion and how to be a good human to others. Try to influence other parents by your example and seeing your compasionate,intellingent kids. Instead of judging-ask if you can help with anything. You never know what someone else is going through. But if your not compasionate enough to ask, your kids will never see that example from you, and they’ll just continue to live judging others and not proactively trying to change this problem.
I believe this article hits the nail on the head. I Loved It.
This is good advice, unfortunately it should be common sense, your kid is not mine and visa versa. All children are different.
True, true, true! I’m an attatchment parent who was in the “other” camp five years ago while rearing my older son. What a difference! Having lived in both worlds (they often feel like different planets,) I understand wholeheartedly the feelings of displacement while parenting. I think it’s very isolating for parents to judge one another or to only hang with parents of “like mind.”
I know I have felt very isolated just trying to identify myself as being a woman outside of my motherhood at times.
I am very impressed with this article. i sometimes think i am over protecting my children to extend that i do not allow them to play outside for fear of being hurt. they usually cry and become unhappy. i ended up being tense and tired of parenting. sometimes is for fear of being judged wrongly by other parents. thank you but pleased give more tips on how to cope.
Bravo, I believe there is too much micromanaging,nobody, and I mean Nobody is perfect, lighten up and have fu with your blessings, forget what people think, iI run around like crazy with my children,other people look at me funny. I dont care enjoy the kids, and yes I nursed till 3 with 2nd son and still circumsized him!!
I don’t let anybody pressure me on how to parent my child because first of all I don’t like people telling me what to do and second of all I don’t care what anybody thinks. I just go with the flow with my child and use my judgement to be a parent to my child because every child & parent is different. So, if people ask me, ‘Howcome your child is not swimming yet, eating this, etc.? I will tell those people, ‘My child will eventually swim, eat that food one day, etc.’ Or I will tell those people to call my child’s pediatrician, (he or she knows better). Hopefully, those people will get the hint to hold their advice and opinion until being asked to give their advice and opinion.