She says,
"I've run a home daycare for 10 years. I've potty trained countless children successfully. Currently, I have a child who shows all the signs of readiness and is doing great with potty training. Another isn’t ready and uses the potty only as a toy. His mom keeps pressuring me to continue (despite nothing but accidents for weeks) and says he goes well at home. She often compares her son to the other child and always asks why her child isn’t on the toilet, too. It’s as if she’s jealous. I’ve tried to remain professional but she becomes argumentative and tells me I’m wrong about her child not being ready. What can I do?"
The tricky bit is that, unfortunately, there may be another variable at play. Maybe the child isn't going as well as the parent reports. Most child care provider / parent relationships are based on trust and the open and accurate exchange of information. Sometimes, however, parents unknowingly have unrealistic expectations or feel pressure to get their kids to perform. They can then pass this pressure on to child care providers.
Other times, a simple misunderstanding about how each party defines something can get in the way and a little communication can clear things up. I once had a child's father instruct me that I had to eliminate his toddler's afternoon nap. While I respected most parent's requests, I feel very strongly about the importance of adequate sleep and regular naps for toddlers. I was happy that my center had a written policy in place that backed up my practices and beliefs. The father was angry and said that the afternoon nap was interfering in his son's sleep. He said his wife was livid lately that he wasn't falling asleep until midnight every night.
One day I talked with the mother at drop-off and she began laughing hysterically. It turns out that it wasn't the nap at daycare she had a problem with. It was the evening nap that dad was letting the child have each night before mom got home at 6:30 p.m. that was causing the problem. He had misunderstood her and thought he was supposed to get me to eliminate the early nap instead of him eliminating the evening nap so the child could adhere to a 7:30 p.m. bedtime.
I hope that a little communication is all it takes to get caregiver and parent on the same page in this case, too. How do you think this caregiver should address the issue?
In the case of my daughter, I was surprised that the daycare had eliminated the need for a pull up at nap time, but I still required one at home. I have found that the familiarity of home, creates a different “potty” atmosphere. The frustration of the child care provider and the constant urging of the parent might be playing a part in the unwillingness to go before there are accidents. However, I think the child care provider is in the right to tell the parent that the child is not ready to use the potty. Accidents happen, however, every child progresses at different rates. Mom shouldn’t expect that just because one child is doing it, her child should be too. If the mother isn’t willing to accept this, then maybe she needs to find another provider, before more issues arise.
My daughter started day care just around 2 years old. She also just potty trained during the day and had no accidents at home. But when she started the day care she was so stressed at first that she would not ask the providers to use the toilet so I had to put her back into diapers. Then after about 1 month in day care they got a new instructor which was really amazing and I asked her to try with my daughter again and she has never had accidents since. So maybe this child is just not comfortable with asking the day care provider that he has to use the potty.
I’ve heard some amazing stories about potty training from all different people, and one thing you have to remember is that each person’s idea of “potty trained” can be very different. For example, if you routinely (i.e. every 30 minutes) sit a young toddler on the toilet for five minutes, they will start using the potty. Now, that isn’t to say they are trained, nor do they even have the concept or readiness skills for potty training. It merely comes down to the fact that they are sitting there so often that they have few “accidents”. In reality, it is the mom/caregiver who is trained! I know people who have done this with children as young as 9 months and like to tell everyone their baby is potty trained – obviously not the case. In this case, the caregiver needs to sit down with the mom and discuss exactly what is done at home, how often, what rewards if any are given, and what consequences are used if the child has an accident. It may be enlightening to both parties! After three kids I have learned two key things about potty training – 1) a child must be ready and 2) it comes down to consistency (at home, childcare, grandmas, etc.). Good luck
I have to agree with the childcar provider. She is afterall the person who spends the most time with the child during the day. My son was with an excellent in hnome care provider. She had him potty trained in 2 days along with “training me” as to follow her lead. Never did I have to use a pull-up at nap nor did I ever have to worry about one at night time. He is now 6 1/2 and has never had one accident. I think that the mother in question might be either jealous or alittle embarassed that her child is just not ready, or either that hasn’t figured out how to handle it at home. It takes a lot of patience and basically you have to deedicate yourself to a full weekend of every 1/2 hour potty breaks. The trick is “DON’T GIVE UP”…good luck