"I have had it with trying to convince my son to put his poop in the potty. He says over and over that he can't do it and I know he can. He's afraid of something but won't tell me so I can help make it better.I have tried rewards, time outs, letting him have whatever he wants if he goes, stickers, throwing away the underwear if he poops in it, and telling him to not poop on his characters on his underwear. Nothing. He still refuses. Even if he throws a fit earlier about wanting some snack or to watch a movie, telling him he can have that if he poops doesn't even work. He just gives up on whatever it is.
I'm so tired of cleaning out underwear. And not just once! It'll be three to four times in a row until he's finished. I'm starting to think my child will be the first untrained person in the world! He did battle constipation for a while before we realized that was a problem. At least he's getting it out one way or another but I don't know how much more underwear I can clean!"
The Misconception of "But, I Know He Can Do It"
I often hear parents, in frustration, tell me that they don't understand why their child won't go to the potty because they just know that he can do it. When I inquire further about how they know this, I get answers like:- He went once in the potty before.
- Because he's so interested in it and wants to sit on the potty all the time.
- Because he goes in his diaper, so what's so different about going in the potty?
And to all these answers I have explanations. For example, many parents get excited when they introduce the potty and their child pees in it immediately. Then, when it never happens again, the frustration sets in. What likely happened is that those few drops of urine were a product of "right time, right place" and didn't have to do with the child being fully ready to conquer all the steps required to use the bathroom.
Being interested in the potty also does not mean that a child is ready to begin using the potty regularly or with much success. If I'm interested in learning to play the piano, that's a great first step, but just buying one and sitting down to pound on the keys will not make me produce anything at all resembling a song. Potty training takes practice. And it takes practice of all the parts. If I were learning to play piano, I would have to learn the notes, learn about timing, learn how to use the pedals and more before I ever played a single song.
With potty training, toddlers have to learn how to recognize their urges and figure out how to respond to them in a different way than before. The process for going in a diaper versus going on the potty is quite different. They have to figure out timing. They have to learn how to manipulate clothing. They have to be relaxed enough to release urine and stool into the potty and worry about clean-up afterward. Often, competing desires are present. Do I continue playing with this toy or eating this meal or do I go potty? All these parts take time to come together, and they require practice in a stress-free environment for best results.
Enter a Potty Training Frame of Mind - It's a Developmental Milestone
I don't want to downplay your frustration, though. I hear your stress coming through here, Mom. And most parets have been there, so don't feel like you're alone. But trust me on this: If I can hear your stress and frustration coming through loud and clear, there's no doubt that your child, does, too. And those negative vibes are not going to help him get through this at all. If he feels like you're placing a lot of pressure on him to accomplish something that's beyond his capabilities at this time, you're going to be met with even more resistance. All the bribing, rewards, reminders, threats, restrictions and stress around potty training are only going to sabotage your efforts.
I would advise that you take a step back and try to figure out why this is such a high priority for you and why you're so frustrated. Did you get this frustrated when he was learning to walk? Did you offer him rewards or take away privileges when he was learning to feed himself? Of course not. Because these are developmental milestones that you know your child will arrive at in his own good time. Potty training is not different and if you take a deep breath and remind yourself that it's just like learning to walk or talk you'll likely find yourself offering support and guidance rather than exerting pressure and trying to direct the whole affair yourself.
It's easy to lose sight of the developmental aspect of potty training because diapers are messy, expensive, inconvenient and because we get so much pressure to train early from outside sources. It's also hard because sometimes it takes a lot longer than other milestones and there's so much more parental involvement required. But remember, too, your child is not doing this on purpose. He doesn't want to break the bank with his diaper costs. When you get pressure from outside, remember that your child is a unique individual with his own timetable and it's your job to respect that. And when confronted with another smelly, dirty diaper change, remember, this too shall pass. You can change a lot of diapers just like you can wipe a lot of runny noses. Your child still needs you right now, but it won't be for long.