Why Is this Parent Pressuring a Child Care Provider to Start Potty Training?

Question: Why Is this Parent Pressuring a Child Care Provider to Start Potty Training?

I've run a home daycare for 10 years. I've potty trained countless children successfully. Currently, I have a child who shows all the signs of readiness and is doing great with potty training. Another isn’t ready and uses the potty only as a toy. His mom keeps pressuring me to continue (despite nothing but accidents for weeks) and says he goes well at home. She often compares her son to the other child and always asks why her child isn’t on the toilet, too. It’s as if she’s jealous.

I’ve tried to remain professional but she becomes argumentative and tells me I’m wrong about her child not being ready. What can I do?

Answer: Is he really going at home? Unfortunately you have no real way of knowing if what she says about her child is true and you put yourself in a tough spot if you start doubting and second-guessing. Parents are the primary caregivers and have a relationship with their own child that surpasses anything a child care provider could hope to emulate. They know their children and you rely on them to give you accurate information based on their very intimate knowledge of their own child. Parents can, however, be competitive in child care environments where they see other children who are seemingly more advanced than their own child.

When I worked with babies, there was always a parent who wanted to start solids early if they saw another child doing well on solids. No matter that their own child's tongue thrust was still firmly in place or that the other child was 8 months old and had been eating solids for months. With older babies, it was about giving up the pacifier or the morning nap. No matter that their child would fall asleep in a high chair while lunch was being served. No matter that the child so easily giving up the pacifier never really liked it much to begin with. When I worked with toddlers it was always about potty training.

Maybe the Parent Doesn't Understand the Signs of Potty Training Readiness

As caregivers and teachers, we are also armed with some intimate knowledge about the child, as well as child development and developmentally appropriate child care practices. Sometimes parents lack this knowledge, so education is the best place to start. It sounds like you started out this way but the mother told you that you were wrong. I would make her feel like you're listening to her while at the same time explaining that he has not exhibited these signs in your care and isn't making progress. Tell her that you will try again later when he shows more signs and be specific about what those signs are.

Start with a conversation and move to an email or letter if the parent doesn't seem to be listening or is getting defensive. Print relevant potty training articles and give book recommendations so you can arm the parent with the same knowledge you have. Resist talking about the other child, comparing her child to any other child or mentioning age as a factor of readiness.

Maybe Your Idea of Potty Training and the Parent's Idea Don't Match

Another issue could simply be semantics. You probably don't have time to hold a toddler's hand and spend half an hour reading books to a child on the potty until he produces a bowel movement. You probably don't allow the children to run around without pants all day. You probably also don't physically take your potty trainees to the bathroom on a strict 15-minute schedule. One of the signs of potty training readiness is that children are able to stay dry for longer stretches. When I had a class of toddlers, our scheduled breaks were about 2 hours apart and they were free to go on their own at any time between.

When I potty trained my son, however, it was a totally different story than what happened at child care. At home, we had all the time in the world. Sometimes I would take him every 15 minutes. Sometimes I did sit in the bathroom with him and read potty training books and sing songs until he finally pooped. Sometimes I did this for hours. There were entire weekends that would go by where he wouldn't wear a stitch of clothing. Sometimes I would catch him mid-pee and carry him to the bathroom leaving a wet trail the whole way.

I did not, however, expect that my son's home daycare provider would do the same things with him. And I won't even get started on how impossible that all would have been in a center setting. But I did consider what we were doing at home "potty training" even though I knew fully that he was almost completely dependent on me. I was the one who was trained and much of what I did was just to help him figure it all out. I had the time and the inclination to do those things and there were times when my son was successful at producing something. That didn't mean he was "going well at home," though.

So, perhaps what is needed here is a meeting of the minds. Have a talk with Mom and ask her what she's doing at home. Have her walk you through the steps she takes and describe the environment and timing completely. Ask lots of questions and really listen to her answers because while it's likely she's the one who is "trained" and not her son, there could be something she's doing differently that is the key to her child's success at home. Maybe making a simple change or concession to the way you do things could make everyone happy. Maybe she uses a chart or lets him take a favorite stuffed animal with him and that's all that's needed to get him going with you.

After listening, if what you are hearing is above and beyond what you are willing to do or are capable of doing, then you need to make sure Mom understands this. Don't feel like you need to cave in to her pressure if the methods she's using at home are not practical or feasible at daycare. This might be a good time to look at your written policies in this area, too, so that parents have an expectation of how potty training works in your care and issues like this can be avoided in the future.

Maybe the Parent is Truly Too Competitive

If after taking these two courses of action, the parent is insistent that you start potty training and continues to pressure you, then you can either stand your ground based on sound child development principles (check out Giving it Some Thought: Cases for Early Childhood Practice by Muriel K. Rand for reinforcement) and firmly refuse to start potty training or you can request that the parent seek other care for her child.

She could, after all, really be that competitive and willing to cast aside concerns about how it affects her toddler. If you firmly believe she's lying to you or if she's unwilling to see your side, it will be difficult to offer care on such an intimate level because there's no trust. If a parent is willing to use this kind of tactic to advance an agenda that doesn't take into account the child's developmental needs, it's time to let this family go and avoid similar problems in the future.